One of the many reasons why I never entered into relationships that are deeper than genuine friendships is my mind. My mind that tells me to never trust a man whenever he compliments or felicitates me. I’ve made it a built-in program in my system not to believe someone who tells me that I am beautiful, or pretty, or kind, or nice, or anything positive. I never believed in myself to be someone good.
What I see is a wretched woman. Someone who doesn’t deserve admiration from anyone because I’m filled with faults and flaws. I always thought that those who see something good in me are saying such things because they’re good and not because I’m good. Once in my life, I wished I was someone else. Someone who has a perfect heart, mind, and body. Someone with a pleasing personality accompanied by a picturesque body and a brilliant mind. Someone who’s bold, great, free, and incredible, unlike me.
Then a cold 3 A.M woke me up and told me that I can be just be me- that’s simplicity. Simplicity is not about wearing simple clothes. It’s not about not putting on make-up. It’s not about letting go of my desires to fix myself the way I want it to be.
The wind told me that simplicity is simply being true to myself. It’s about showing the world who I am and letting them know that I’m simply “this.” I don’t have to add or subtract something from my wholeness just to have someone who will appreciate my simplicity.
I don’t have to feign that I have a sweet laugh when in fact, I really have a loud laugh. I don’t have to make myself look rich when I’m a daughter of a humble man who is working hard just so he can provide my needs. I don’t have to make others believe that I am intelligent when I am struggling every night in order to understand my lessons. I don’t have to be someone different from who I really am.
The most beautiful thing to experience in the world is walking through a place where you don’t know what you’re stepping on, where your destination is, when you’re going to finish it, and how will you walk through it. The most enchanting memento you could ever have is everything that you’ll learn from the enigmatic journeys you have to go through.
We, people, are moving in a world of constant perplexity and vagueness. In a labyrinth composed of gamut of unknown possibilities, interrogative sentences, and secretive revelations, we are compelled to conquer whatever’s in front of us. But I know we aren’t left in total darkness and murk. We will always have a little moment to look at the subtle lights. There is light in a baby’s smile, flower’s bloom, person’s tears of joy, someone’s overwhelming story, wind’s whipping force, rain’s roar, river’s flow, bird’s songs, sun’s light, night’s mystery- there will always be light that we, sometimes, neglect to stare at.
The moment you see a light in someone or something, hold on to them because once in your ephemeral life they gave you the reason to believe on things that aren’t apparent to everybody. You can even choose to love their ambiguity– the light they bring can make you happy and melancholic at the same time.
Never forget the way I looked at you with glittery eyes and jittery heart. Never let the memories of our haphazard talks slip out of your gargantuan mind. Never bury the feelings I made you feel. Never ever place me in euphoric oblivion.
Because if there’s one thing that catapulted me out of my own thin strokes and unnoticed facade, it’s the heavy thoughts I have whenever I listen closely to every word you say. The massy perception brought by different people who will never be the same as you gave me the courage to think that I’m somehow unique and beautiful. You helped me get out of my own cage, prison, wall, shell, and body. Let me tell you that it helped me a lot in searching for where my heart is.
However, I know you will always meet random people like me. You will always find someone who has a better state of being and I believe you’ll choose that person over me.
I will be a book you once read and left in the corner that will soon be under other books with other covers and scented papers. When that time comes, I swear to the walls and lights that saw you holding my heart, I will be ready.
Perfection is impossible to achieve as long as it depends on matter. This is the reason why when we plan about our future, it seems like everything will go smoothly. Future is a present that covers itself as a flawless, abstract idea that will make you look back and feel good.
As time passes by, the future that was once in your mind is now in front of you. Future has turned itself to a material world where you are inside of it. One day you’ll wake up in this future and realize that things are not going the way you’ve planned. The walk that you thought about becomes a walk without slippers on. The jump that was on your mind was a jump towards the cliff of conundrums. A visible future is, indeed, imperfect.
Nonetheless, the future, i believe, is still better than today.
This imperfect future is a manifestation of your courage to take a step out of stability. This imperfect future is a daily reminder of your endurance in life. This imperfect future is a twist of events that will whisper to you- “you are surely alive.” And most of all, this imperfect future gives you the opportunity to go to another future with more learning, strength, and faith with yourself, with the people who helped you get through it, and with the One who has it all figured out.
We both walked through the rocky roads of life. I still remember the days we perspired the salty blood of love for the sake of building this treasured relationship. After some time, we placed this shrine of deep and ebbing flow of ‘our everything’ inside our wounded but healed hearts.
We’re infinitesimally breaking our own edifice of love for the sake of temporal pleasure.